MORNING PAGE June 27th, 2019

Wowee. I am really, really bad at keeping up with all this. BUT! I AM DOING MY BEST.

Since the last time I wrote, I started my writing the foundations for the story I want to create. I have a lot of buried & bottled inspiration I am coaxing to come back to the surface of my mind. I find it’s more difficult to be confident in your imagination as you get older, but the trick is to just do it and get started. Every day, I find a little more inspiration, though I am kicking myself in the ass for not being more adamant with recording my ideas in the past. That’s changed, hower. My Google Notes is full of random inspiration, as well as having many documents with tons of prompts and musings. It’s coming along well. I just have to keep trying my best. I want this. Badly.

This summer has been pretty cloudy and blah. Today is nice and sunny but I have to work, so it’s annoying. I want to play outside, but I cannot due to ADULTING. Awful. I am 27 and I am still not over this sh*t. Anyone reading this, please be better than me. LOL (edit: “I AM PAST THE POINT OF COMPLAINING!!!!” …complains. LMAO)

I gotta get back to work but maybe I’ll pick up blog writing again. It helps with just getting stuff off my chest and shouting into a void. I am excited, I am happy… I just want the best life for myself, finally, after thinking I didn’t deserve it for many years. It’s relieving to settle back into my soul and do what I feel is right in my heart, rather than acting out for asspats and “validation”. No offense, but it ain’t for me. I tried it, wanted to see what the hype was about. Turns out, the people who complain about others aren’t worth listening to because they don’t know what they’re doing with their lives either, they just complain instead of doing anything about it. I’m past the point of complaining. I just want to go back to being myself, which is existing to make others happy.

Young me, I am so, so sorry I let the harrassment get to you to a point where you would rather be numb and high then fight for your will to be happy. That was my fault, and no one else. No one has the right to make myself unhappy, except for myself. And I let myself become discontent, ungrateful, and aggressive. I’m not disgusted with myself, I am patient. I know that I am human, that emotions are normal, and being angry at perceived slights is natural. I will not allow myself to continue to participate in harmful and offending behaviours towards others. If I want to get in a fight that badly, I will do so with myself.

The coldness of my heart is finally dissipating into a calming heat. I am so, so, so close to being in love again, not with anyone in particular, but with life, myself, and God. I am so close to freedom of the soul, and all it took was surrender. I surrender to what life is, I submit to the universe. I will live a good life in return for having one at all.

It could be so much worse.

Yet here you are.

Trying. Thriving. Surviving. Striving.

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