Wednesday, Jul 31st, 2019

Baaaaaaaaah! I might be a little less positive for this post. A lot of things are going on and I need to get t off my chest even slightly.

Okay. So. I’m working pretty hard, but not hard enough, lots of personal things happening at home that are catching up with me. As time passes, I get increasingly anxious over my father’s wellbeing and health since he’s getting older and doesn’t eat well. This causes me a great deal of personal stress because it feels like time is constantly running out. Recently, our 15-year-old family dog has gotten a uterus infection and her time to leave this plane is coming very soon. I went to go visit them yesterday, and she was very sick and could barely wag her tail. It is heartbreaking beyond belief to see such a vibrant and lively dog reduced to this sad, pained being. She looked at me so much with sad, pleading eyes, begging to make her feel better. It tears me up so deeply. My father also isn’t a very emotional person, so he’s acting strange to suppress his sadness about the situation. I don’t want to get too much into it, because it’s very saddening and I don’t know what to say. I just want to be there for my little dog and let her know she was and is deeply, truly loved.

The human life is getting very hard because of all the vet bills, my dad doesn’t have enough to live comfortably and I saw him eat food he thought was disgusting because he couldn’t afford anything better. This is causing me an intense amount of distress and anxiety because I cannot afford to help him either. I hate that I am a grown adult and cannot take care of the parent that cared for me for so long, regardless of how I was treated. All of this is happening and I can’t lessen the blow for anyone and it’s ripping me apart inside. All I want to do lately is work, but I am constantly fighting physical anxiety while I do so, and things are very slow. I don’t know how to turn the empathy off and just do what needs to be done. I’m working too much with a broken mind and very, very little gain and not spending precious time with the temporary lives on this planet makes me feel terrible.

I really, really need to catch up. I am so tired, and pissed at myself, and keep trying not to compare myself to who I was, trying not to let “trauma” affect me, trying so very hard to find that spark in life again. It’s very hard. I feel useless a lot of the time and honestly wish there was an off button for this life thing. I need to lay dormant for a little while longer, but time waits for no one, and I have to keep moving forward. I wish I could be a better friend so I didn’t have to be alone all the time and I could go make the effort to see people. I need to save up for a car and driving school… more expenses.

I’m just trying. Constantly. All the time. Paying a karmic debt of some sort, possibly, or lying in wait for a karmic lottery. I know things won’t be like this forever, and my little heart will find a way to be human again… If I truly, honestly want it. I just wish I had someone in my life who cared about me enough to take me on adventures with them, but everyone always wants something/someone else, or people treat me like a queen. I just want to be on the same level as someone and talk to them at face value, but I have to accept that is not how others see me. It will take a very special type of person who gets it, understands the whole human thing. Until then, I’ll just… keep doing me, I guess. Not much else to do. I’ll dream.

I know this negative writing may seem like a constant, but please keep in mind I don’t have many people to talk to about the things that lay deep in my heart. All I have are these blog posts because I don’t feel like I’m forcing anyone to read them, and maybe I’ll be heard, and the plus side is I got some tears out and some thoughts off my chest. The only downside is the lack of one-on-one interaction, but at this point, I’ll take whatever I can get emotionally.

I know what to do. It’s just doing it with this weight that makes things hard, but I’ll be stronger for it if I can. I need to cry more and stop avoiding these things and feel the emotions in the moment instead of saving them for later. That’s how things pile up.

Anyways. Thanks for reading this if you did. Apologies for contributing more writing to life’s negativity.

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